squirrels

#27, #28 and #29 Weird topics….

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#27 Describe an electronic device in the future that you won’t know how to operate.  
In the future, doctors, nurse practitioners and physicians assistants will be able to diagnose disease by using a hand held scanner.  The trick will be knowing where to point the device.  It will only scan the first area of the body that it scans so the medical worker will have to use their diagnostic skills to know which area to scan first.  It will totally be like something on Star Trek.

#28  A storm destroys your uncle’s shed and kills his six-year-old son.  Describe the color of the sky right before the storm hit.  
The sky was starting to turn ugly.  In the morning the sky was a color of blue that is usually reserved for the warm waters of a tropical island.  You expected to see clown fish darting between the bleached coral white clouds.  After lunch the sky started to turn the color of an old bruise.  A swirl of green, yellow and then black.  This did not bode well for the citizens of the town.

#29  Name the trees that stood in the neighborhood where you grew up.  
We had two big oak trees in front of the house.  They were really strong until a storm blew up and we’d lose a branch here or there.  Whenever that happened my Uncle’s Rick and Gary would have to come up from Iowa to help us cut up the branches.  I’ll name those trees Rick and Gary.  On the south side of the drive way was an elm tree.  It was tall and unassuming.  I’m going to name that tree Eric after my brother, because he is tall (at least when compared to me) and very unassuming.  Next to the elm were three christmas tree sized evergreens.  I’m going to name those Huey, Dewey and Louie because that is the coolest trio name.  On the north side of the house we had a very tall evergreen.  The squirrels used to jump from the oak trees on to the roof of the house and then run over to the pine tree.  I loved this about the squirrels, they knew how to have fun!  I will name that tree Old Hickory.  Sure, it wasn’t a hickory tree, but it was definitely the Andrew Jackson of our trees.  Little known fact.  Andrew Jackson’s greatest regret was that he never killed John Quincy Adams when he had had the chance.  True story.

#24 & #25 Why Squirrels? Who is this Heather Bakke?

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#24 Pick a small object to be given one day to your great-grandchild.  Write a letter to that child explaining why you have chosen this object.  

Dear great-grandchild,
I never thought that I would have children.  By some miracle I did.  Then to go on to become a grandmother and a great-grandmother was nothing less than pure bliss.  As you get older and your parents talk about Grandma Heather it will probably be difficult to remember me.  I understand this feeling.  My middle name, Lena, came from my great-grandmother.  I have no memories of her. But growing up, I would hear stories about her.  I guess I was a very fussy baby and would cry all the time.  Grandma Lena, the story goes, was the only person who could calm me down.

One of the stories that you probably heard about me was how I liked to collect squirrels.  I would get asked all the time, “why squirrels?”  Here is the explanation: After I graduated from Bethany I transferred to Gustavus Adolphus College.  The campus was covered with many beautiful trees. (This was before a tornado destroyed many of them in 1997) These trees were filled with many squirrels. One night as I was leaving the dining hall, I noticed a squirrel perched on top of the garbage can and it was eating an ice cream sandwich.  It wasn’t just eating it.  The squirrel was holding the ice cream like he was a person.  He was even using his tiny paws to peel away the paper.  I stood there watching the squirrel and I thought, “any animal that loves ice cream has got to be worth noticing.” I told many people this story but it piqued the interest of my friend Sue.  Sue and I decided that we were going to keep tabs on the squirrels.  We even talked about naming them. Sue and I started leaving squirrel information in each other’s mailboxes.  One article talking about how squirrels had short attention spans so Sue said that squirrels spent their lives thinking, “Where did I put that nut???”  Sue was an art major and she used her creative eye to make me a squirrel ornament.  She called it a “Burgundy Squirrel-shaped medallion,” this was a play on the words of a David Wilcox song that we both listened to constantly.  My collection of squirrels grew in the hundreds but it all started with this wire squirrel.  I hope that you treasure it as much as I did.

Love,
Grandma Heather Lena

David Wilcox’s Lyrics to Burgundy Heart-Shaped Medallion
If I had a spell of magic
I would make this enchantment for you
A burgundy heart-shaped medallion
With a window that you could look through
So that when all the mirrors are angry
With your faults and all you must do
You could peek through that heart-shaped medallion
And see you from my point of view

#25  Describe yourself in the third person-your physical appearance and personality-as though you were a character in a book.  

When Heather Bakke talked, people listened.  This had not as much to do with the importance of her words, but the volume of her speech.  This is not to say that she didn’t have important things to say, they were just buried in a thick layer of joking and Simpson’s quotes.  After hearing her cackle a block away you would catch up to her and be startled that such a booming voice came out of such a small person.  She was short and stocky but the look suited her.  Heather always joked that “smiling was her favorite.”    She was always smiling.  Unless she was thinking.  If Heather was thinking, she would get a pained expression on her face.  Many times when she was deep in thought people would ask her if she was o.k.  Thankfully, the smiling won out.  When Heather smiled you couldn’t see her eyes.  This was a Bakke trait.  Their family photos contained only glimpses of eyeballs but lots of cheeks and smiles. When you could see her eyes, you noticed that they were hazel green.  She had friendly eyes, except when she was glaring at you with her “teacher look.”  This look could send a shiver down your spine.  Heather’s auburn hair was starting to gray, giving up the fact that even if she wished that she was still 19, she was in fact in her forties.  Her fashion sense?  Two words: paisley Birkenstocks.  Heather could be the life of the party but had it in her to be     quiet too.

#6 Write a story that begins with a ransom note.

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Walking into my classroom I saw a piece of paper taped to the white board that said, “Ms. Bakke, I don’t like your attitude. Until you change we are going to be keeping Biscuits …….. and ……… Gravy.”

 

Ugh…. sometimes working in a school can be so exhausting. Biscuits and Gravy are squirrels. While they might not be living, breathing entities, Biscuits and Gravy do bring joy into my life and hold a very special place in my hear. Biscuit is an orange squirrel that someone got in a happy meal. It was a character in a cartoon that I have never seen so his name probably isn’t even Biscuit. Sidenote…. how is it possible that a movie exists with a squirrel character central enough to the plot to warrant a happy meal that I have not heard of? Anyway, Gravy is a piece of cellophane that surrounded a pack of post-it-notes I bought at Target. The cellophane had a picture of an origami squirrel. Most people would throw that away. I am not most people.

 

As with any school hijinks I had to decide if the “perp” was a student or an adult. Little known fact, schools are not immune to office style hijinks. GFW’s Special Education is especially notorious. Looking at the ransom note again I started to think about who would have a problem with my attitude. Both adults and students have commented on my ability to be annoying. Is being annoying an attitude? I decided that my colleagues would know the futility in trying to change my annoying personality. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks and all that. Students, on the other hand, might think it possible to get me to change. The culprit definitely had to be a student.

 

During homeroom I decided to take the direct route and flat out asked my kids if they knew what happened to Biscuits and Gravy. “Someone stole your breakfast?” was the response from one of my kids who hadn’t “bought in” to the fact that his homeroom teacher was obsessed with squirrels and named them. I told him that B&G were members of my squirrel family and they had been squirrel-napped. I passed around the ransom note so they could see how serious this situation was. Of course, they had no idea who had written the typed note.

 

Second hour I decided to take a different approach. I decided to use a teacher’s greatest weapon. Acting. I decided that if I acted like I didn’t care about squirrels they would give up. What good is a ransom for an unwanted item. It would be a tall order trying to convince anyone that I didn’t love squirrels anymore. I would need to channel the greatest actors of our time, Brando, Streep, Heidi Bakke. I started class by telling the students that I had watched a nature program the night before about hedgehogs. I continued to tell them about all the fabulous things about hedgehogs. I told them about living in Alaska and having neighbors who had an amazing hedgehog. I then went on to tell them that I decided that hedgehogs were better than squirrels and that I was going to sell all my squirrels and use the money to fun my new hedgehog lifestyle. The students looked at me with blank stares. I mentioned that I was going open a store on a “squirrel lovers” website and that if they had any squirrels just collecting dust I would add them to the sale.

 

“Ms. Bakke, I have some squirrels!” said, the poor unsuspecting student.
Excellent. Case closed. Squirrels returned!