love

#34, #35 & #36 It’s the Late Show with David Letterman!

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#34  A cockroach at the Roosevelt.
You might wonder what a guy like me is doing in a place like this.  The swankiest hotel in New York City hosting a cockroach like me.  Well, let’s just say I know a guy.  I know a guy who isn’t very good about spraying the chemicals where they should go.

I gotta admit these rich people know how to live.  Fancy restaurants, fancy beds, mints on the pillow.  Oh, I totally lick those mints on the pillow.  Don’t look at me like that.  You know you would do it if you were in my shoes.  I like to spend my free time looking at magazines down at the pool.  Nothing like sipping on a glass of cucumber water.  It makes you almost feel human.

#35  How you feel about love these days.
I feel optimistic and a little terrified.

#36 The talk-show host.
I love David Letterman.  I think that I was born at just the right time to have been just the right age to really get into his show when he was on late nights on NBC.  In the summer, I would stay up every night to see the show.  I loved that Dave always had funny bits and cool guests.  I loved how he gave people weird gifts.  For some reason he started giving people canned hams, moist towlettes, and collapsable drinking cups.  I remember going and buying a collapsable drinking cup so I could fill it with a “tasty beverage.”

When Dave switched over to CBS he was doing really well in the ratings.  It was so much fun to see him getting so much attention.  One spring they did a contest where they flew in an entire audience from a city.  One of the cities they chose was Minneapolis.  I sent in 200 postcards hoping to win one of the slots.  I did not.  I was totally bummed.

In 2002, I went and visited New York.  Before I went I tried everything to try and order tickets to see a taping of the Late Show.  No dice.  My friend Barbara even wrote in with a top ten list telling them reasons why I deserved tickets.  Again, no dice.  When we were in New York, I decided that I needed to at least get a picture of the marquee of the Ed Sullivan Theater.  While I was taking pictures, a person with a clipboard came over and started talking to me and asked me some questions about the Late Show.  She asked me who the stage manager was and I rolled my eyes and said, “Biff Henderson, duh.”  That was enough to grant me superfan status and I was given tickets to the taping!  I was so excited, I found a pay phone and called everyone I knew telling them to tape Friday’s show in case I could be spotted in the audience.  (I couldn’t.)  Going to the taping was super fun.  It was a well oiled machine.  You had to line up and listen to all sorts of requirements.  Don’t yell if they mention your hometown, don’t whistle, don’t do the Arsenio Hall dog pound yell. (Apparently, it messed with the microphones.) They also told you that you had to make sure that you 100% didn’t have to go to the bathroom because once you got in there for taping you couldn’t leave. They asked the bathroom question more times than would be necessary for a group of potty training two year olds.  Before the show, they had a warm up comedian to get you pumped up and then the band came out and got warmed up and then the taping started.  It was over in an hour.  The only breaks they had were the real time breaks that would be there for the commercials.  In his monologue Dave mentioned Minnesota.  I DID NOT woot.  So, if you ever see a tape.  It wasn’t me!  Charles Grodin was the guest.  He was amazingly droll.  Such a fun night.  Now that Dave is retiring, I will treasure that memory even more.

The San Francisco Writers’ Grotto published a book called “642 Things to Write About.” I accept the challenge!

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 1. What can happen in a second?  
The musical Hello Dolly has a song called “It Only Takes a Moment,” and according to this song it only takes a moment to fall in love.  I’m not sure if that is correct, but it is a lovely sentiment.  I think a lot of times people kind of take an opposite direction, it only takes a moment to write someone off.  A person will take one look at someone and decide that they aren’t gorgeous enough. They don’t take the opportunity to talk to the person, find out what makes them tick and see if there is a quality individual hidden underneath the plain Jane/ Plain Joe standing in front of them. This could be really depressing but perhaps it is what protects us from people who are like that.  Honestly, who would want to be with someone who only judged a book by its cover?

2. The Worst Thanksgiving dish you ever had.
This. Is. Not. Possible!

 3. A houseplant is dying.  Tell it why it needs to live.
Listen, I know that it seems like there is no hope.  You live in pot.  A cheap, plastic pot.  This is the same pot you were sitting in when I bought you at Menard’s.  I’m not going to lie, I bought you because I thought people would be impressed that I had a plant.  They would see that I was capable of keeping something alive, that I was trying to introduce some oxygen into the world.  But, now you are dying and people are going to see me for what I really am…. a killer.  So, what is it going to take to keep you alive?  Would it help if I bought you a new pot?  I would make sure it was cute and had a squirrel on it or something.  But, don’t do it for me.  Honestly, people who see you in my presence probably know my track record with plants and will know that the fact that you are alive is more a testament to your will and determination and have nothing to do with me.  Stand up for yourself.  Show that you can’t be stifled by a mere human.