#49 Write a review of a novel or memoir you’ve never written.

In Heather Bakke’s debut memoir, “My Apologies to the Custodian,” we are taken to a world where Heather Bakke is the center of many a storm.  It is hard to believe that one person could be so unlucky in love but so lucky in the field of education.  (I am still trying to figure out how many of the men she had crushes on that became priests or fled the country.) Heather finds ways to make a classroom interesting and her life seem boring. The title of the book comes from an essay where she tells of the time she vomited in the garbage can in front of her entire class and none of them noticed.  When she told the custodian about the mess in the garbage can she was too embarrassed to admit it was her and blamed it on one of her students.  The books is filled with many of these stories.  Some stories touching, some thought provoking all of them humorous. I am still trying to figure this woman out.  Is she a champion of the human race or is she a person that watches way too much TV?  She definitely needs to get better grasp on the proper use of commas.

#50 I didn’t know what was happening at the time.

To celebrate my five years of teaching in Alaska, my friend Sue and I went to Hawaii.  We stayed on Oahu and had a wonderfully, outa this world, amazing time.  Before the trip I spent weeks reading about what to do on Oahu.  One of the things I really wanted to do was to go snorkeling in Hanauma Bay.  Sue was pretty dubious.  Could this place possibly be as good as I thought it was going to be?  Yes, a thousand time yes.  Hanauma bay is pretty close to the most perfect place on Earth.  We followed the guidebooks advice to a tee.  We got there early, brought stuff to drink, bought disposable underwater cameras, rode the tram down the hill.  The one thing I ignored was their suggestion to wear a t-shirt.  They even went on to explain that when you are snorkeling you are pointing your back to the sky…. you might get sunburnt even if you have on sunscreen.  But, I ignored their advice.  While I was exploring the beautiful coral reefs and adoring the multi-colored fish I was COOKING my back.  For the rest of the vacation I was the color of a lobster.  Every once in a while I would shriek and Sue would ask what was wrong and I would say, “my back.”  Four months later you could still see the outline of my swimsuit.  Tan lines in October.  It was crazy.  If you ever go snorkeling, WEAR A SHIRT!!!

#51 Your city one hundred years from now. 

In one hundred years Buffalo will still be called a bedroom community.  People will live here and commute to the cities. Commuting will take place on high speed light rail trains.  The station will be in the hub of Buffalo, right next to the Dairy Queen. Dairy Queen will continue to sell Dilly Bars but will have one laced with Dramamine for people who can’t stomach the light rail.   People will still continue to call places by their old names.  The grocery store down town will be a Whole Foods market but people will still refer to it as Holmquist’s.  People will also tell you about the time the light burned out on their sign and instead of saying “total discount foods,” it said “total disco.”  A memorial will be built to honor Buffalo’s long lost architectural gem the “round bank.” The high school mascot will continue to be a bison.  During half time of football games a hologram herd of bison will entertain the crowd.  “The rock” by the high school will have reached the size of an actual bison from the many layers of spray paint.