Month: August 2014

#49, #50, & #51 Hanauma Bay!!!!!!!!

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#49 Write a review of a novel or memoir you’ve never written.

In Heather Bakke’s debut memoir, “My Apologies to the Custodian,” we are taken to a world where Heather Bakke is the center of many a storm.  It is hard to believe that one person could be so unlucky in love but so lucky in the field of education.  (I am still trying to figure out how many of the men she had crushes on that became priests or fled the country.) Heather finds ways to make a classroom interesting and her life seem boring. The title of the book comes from an essay where she tells of the time she vomited in the garbage can in front of her entire class and none of them noticed.  When she told the custodian about the mess in the garbage can she was too embarrassed to admit it was her and blamed it on one of her students.  The books is filled with many of these stories.  Some stories touching, some thought provoking all of them humorous. I am still trying to figure this woman out.  Is she a champion of the human race or is she a person that watches way too much TV?  She definitely needs to get better grasp on the proper use of commas.

#50 I didn’t know what was happening at the time.

To celebrate my five years of teaching in Alaska, my friend Sue and I went to Hawaii.  We stayed on Oahu and had a wonderfully, outa this world, amazing time.  Before the trip I spent weeks reading about what to do on Oahu.  One of the things I really wanted to do was to go snorkeling in Hanauma Bay.  Sue was pretty dubious.  Could this place possibly be as good as I thought it was going to be?  Yes, a thousand time yes.  Hanauma bay is pretty close to the most perfect place on Earth.  We followed the guidebooks advice to a tee.  We got there early, brought stuff to drink, bought disposable underwater cameras, rode the tram down the hill.  The one thing I ignored was their suggestion to wear a t-shirt.  They even went on to explain that when you are snorkeling you are pointing your back to the sky…. you might get sunburnt even if you have on sunscreen.  But, I ignored their advice.  While I was exploring the beautiful coral reefs and adoring the multi-colored fish I was COOKING my back.  For the rest of the vacation I was the color of a lobster.  Every once in a while I would shriek and Sue would ask what was wrong and I would say, “my back.”  Four months later you could still see the outline of my swimsuit.  Tan lines in October.  It was crazy.  If you ever go snorkeling, WEAR A SHIRT!!!

#51 Your city one hundred years from now. 

In one hundred years Buffalo will still be called a bedroom community.  People will live here and commute to the cities. Commuting will take place on high speed light rail trains.  The station will be in the hub of Buffalo, right next to the Dairy Queen. Dairy Queen will continue to sell Dilly Bars but will have one laced with Dramamine for people who can’t stomach the light rail.   People will still continue to call places by their old names.  The grocery store down town will be a Whole Foods market but people will still refer to it as Holmquist’s.  People will also tell you about the time the light burned out on their sign and instead of saying “total discount foods,” it said “total disco.”  A memorial will be built to honor Buffalo’s long lost architectural gem the “round bank.” The high school mascot will continue to be a bison.  During half time of football games a hologram herd of bison will entertain the crowd.  “The rock” by the high school will have reached the size of an actual bison from the many layers of spray paint.

#47 & #48 A near death experience and experiences with death.

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#47 The time you were the most terrified-your knees were knocking, your heart was racing, you could barely stand to be in your own skin.

Traveling in Alaska is so dependent on the weather.  If you were leaving the village you spent hours obsessing over online weather predictions.  The jet from Kotzebue could fly in just about anything but the little planes that went back and forth to the village were a different story.  Which, is good.  It gave you great confidence that they took your safety seriously.  But, when your flight got delayed you were very bummed.

One time another teacher and I had to go to Kotzebue for math training.  We flew in on a Wednesday afternoon and were going to get to fly back to Selawik on Friday.  Friday we sat at Bering air waiting for the afternoon flight to Selawik.  They delayed it, and then they ended up canceling it.  Dejected my colleague and headed back to the hotel to spend another night in Kotzebue.  Saturday morning we went back to Bering air and began the waiting game again.  The weather hadn’t improved that much, and the flight got delayed, but suddenly the sun came out and we were able to hop on the plane and leave.  Usually, the plane went straight to Selawik but the pilot informed us that we had to drop someone off in Noorvik.  No big deal.  We were headed in the right direction.  When we took off we had to go through a bank of clouds.  This part is very scary in a little plane.  You know that the pilot has instruments that let them know where you are but that means very little when you can’t seen anything around you but clouds.  You start thinking about Sweet Dreams that Patsy Cline movie where they come out of the clouds and hit a mountain.  We never really came out of the fog bank so it felt like we were flying blind the entire way to Noorvik.  There was a lot of turbulence and the plane was bouncing up and down.  I remembered thinking “This is it, this is how I’m going to die.”  I didn’t cry or scream.  I just sat there praying.  I thanked God for giving me a good life and I asked that my parents not be too sad about losing me.  All of the sudden the plane did a nosedive and I just held on.  But, we landed.  I almost passed out with relief.  We dropped the person off and then the pilot said that we would be going on to Selawik.  I remember thinking that I should get off the plane.  Sure, I didn’t know anyone in Noorvik but I knew I could sleep in the school.  I didn’t know what to do so I sat there.  We took off and it was much of the same but suddenly we came out of the clouds and it was perfect flying weather.  You could see Selawik gleaming in the distance.  It had never looked more beautiful.  When we landed I couldn’t decide if I should kiss the gravel runway or the pilot.  I kissed neither.  I patted him on the back and thanked him for getting us home safely.  He said, “Well, Selawik is going to be my home now because they closed the airport in Kotzebue.  I can’t go back until it clears up.”  Both my colleague and I offered to let him come to our homes for lunch and a place to crash (this was the village way.)  He politely declined.  When I got back to my house I called my cousin and her family in Kotzebue to tell her that I had made it back to the village.  They were pretty shocked that anyone had made it out.  “We only heard one plane and we figured it was just some nut.”  Yep.  That nut was me.

#48 The difference between the first death you remember and the most recent one.

There were many deaths in my young life that I don’t remember.  But the first memory I have of actually seeing someone who was dying and then going to their funeral was when Joe, Buffalo Wrestling’s number one fan died of cancer.  Joe and his wife Pauline lived for Bison Wrestling.  They were the age that grandparents should be so I kind of thought of them as my Buffalo Grandparents.  (Since my own grandparents were far away in Iowa.)  Joe had gotten sick and was on oxygen.  I remember my parents taking all of us kids over for a visit.  They had a little rat terrier that was so excited about seeing all of us little kids that it started running circles around the house and then it run up into my dad’s arms and peed all over him.  I remember it being one of the funniest moments of my childhood.  When Joe died, everyone was sad.  The funeral was at the funeral home in Buffalo.  I remember everyone wearing the school colors of purple and white.  All the wrestlers and their families were in attendance and my dad was a pall bearer.  Joe had served in the military and they did the military salute.  I remember being shocked how loud the guns were.

The last death I experienced was incredibly sad and painful because it was someone who was very young.  My best friend’s niece died after a long illness.  I took great solace in the fact that during all her time in the hospital, the family had a lot of time to talk, joke, laugh, cry and hold each other.  Everything that needed to be said got to be said.  The memorial service for this young girl was also at Peterson Chapel.  People who visited the family were given seeds to plant “forget me nots.”  There was also a theme about butterflies.  The mother of the girl who died, told me that “Butterflies need to be free.”  It was such a beautiful sentiment.  Now, every time I see a butterfly I think of this girl and smile.  I know that while we are sad that she is no longer on Earth with us, she is free and in the best place there is.

 

#44, #45 & #46 Now I shall exalt the oyster and ice cream.

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#44 The thoughts of the first man to eat an oyster.

I am so hungry that I could eat this thing.  I wonder if it’s poisonous? Well, here goes nothing.  I didn’t vomit.  That’s a good sign.  I wonder if I tell people these are good they’ll believe me?

#45 Your most transcendent ice cream experience.

When I was teaching in Alaska, one of my colleagues went to Italy over summer vacation.  When I happened upon this teacher in the airport in Anchorage when it was time to go up to Selawik for another year of teaching she started telling me about her trip to Italy and all the wonderful things that she got to do and see. The one thing she mentioned more than anything was the gelato.  She continued to mention the gelato for the next two years.  She really like gelato.  “Well, this birthday cake is pretty good but what I could go for right now would be some gelato.”  If you invited her over to your house and offered her something to drink her typical response was “yeah, I’ll take a coke but what I really want is some gelato.”  Surprisingly, that got very old.

Four years later, my sister Alyssa invited me along on her trip to Florence, Italy.  I had never been to Europe and I was super excited because I knew that I could become one of those annoying people who went on and on about gelato.  It’s not like I had never had gelato.  You can get gelato at the Minnesota State Fair, you can get gelato at the Mall of America, heck, you can even buy gelato at the grocery store.  So, just like the secret of realty is location, location, location.  The secret to the mystical power of Italian gelato is location.  The only thing better than pistachio gelato, is eating pistachio gelato sitting outside on the Palazzo Vecchio.  It just tastes better because you are so dreadfully hot you think you are about a block from the sun.  But you have cool, creamy, wonderful gelato and you will live long enough to see all the treasures at the Academia Gallery.  When Michelangelo’s David looks down on you, his knowing eyes will seem to point out the gelato that has melted all over your t-shirt.

#46 Describe exaltation. 

To praise, to sing, to want to shout out!  Sometimes exaltation comes from seeing something and being inspired.  The first time I saw the Missouri River, I was completely speechless.  I had a feeling that my life would never be the same.  This river was so big and wide and majestic!  I felt like Lewis and Clark rolled into one.  I had the same feeling when I walked along a frozen river and looked up at the aurora.  Nature has a tendency to amaze me.  You can see God’s creation in each minute detail.

#42 and #43 I regret that

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#42 Something you’ve always regretted saying.

At the end of my junior year of high school, I was befriended by a girl that was more popular than I was.  I was pretty shocked that this girl decided that I was someone she wanted to hang out with.  She asked me if I wanted to go to Ridgedale and I was pretty sure that it was a joke.  I envisioned us getting to the mall and me getting doused with a bucket of pigs blood or some other geek shaming ritual.  But, that was not the case.  This girl did want to be my friend.  We were in choir together and had a lot of similar interests so we became fast friends.

Speaking of choir.  There was a sophomore girl who sat in front of us in choir who was really snotty and not very nice to anyone.  She seemed very fake all they way down to the fact that she obviously, spent time in the tanning booth.  During the night of one of our concerts my new BFF decided that she had had enough of this girl and was going to put her in her place.  She started saying things like, “Tan much?” She then started calling the girl a “citrus princess,” making fun of her unnatural color.  And what did I do?  Did I tell her to knock it off?  Did I tell her that even though this girl was awful, there was no reason for us to pick on her? Did I just tell her to shut up?  Nope.  I laughed and played along. I did nothing to stop it and probably egged her on. I was a coward.

This happened almost 25 years ago and I still feel terrible.  That night my character was tested and I totally failed.  Now that I’m a teacher, I tell this story to my students tell them that sitting back and doing nothing is pretty hard to forget. You will regret the things that you don’t say and don’t do just as much as the times that you are doing and saying bad things.  Be a person that you would be proud to know.  Don’t stoop to the level of others.

#43 Write a scene that begins: “Joe was the last person on Earth I expected to do that.” 

Joe was the last person on Earth I expected to do that.  He had never once talked to me or even seemed to notice who I was but suddenly, on a Monday morning he walked up carrying a cup from Starbucks.  “Um, good morning.  I know that you prefer to get your coffee from small independent stores but I drive by Starbucks on my way to work.  I figured it was better than nothing.” Joe stammered as he handed me the coffee cup.

I thanked him and took a sip, burning my mouth, yelling, “crap! That is as hot as lava.”

“Well, actually lava is 2,192 degrees Fahrenheit.  If the coffee was that hot it would have burned the cup, and your hand, and your face.”

“Oh, I suppose you are right, and how would you get lava here in Minnesota.  Hot asphalt maybe, but lava, definitely not. Well, thank you.  I think this is the first time you have ever spoken to me so it is delightful to get coffee.  Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.  Listen, I have to ask you for a favor.”

“Butter me up and then go in for the kill.  So, what do you need someone to babysit your kids, cat sit, dog sit, pick up your mail, water your plants, write you a sonnet.”

“So, I’m taking it this happens a lot.”

“Yes, it is one of the perils of being single and having no life.  You are available to watch plants, pets and progeny.”

“Well, you’ll be happy to know it is none of those things.”

“New is good.  So, what do you need a kidney?  Please don’t say a kidney.  I will feel like the biggest jerk in the world.”

“No. I need you to help me get ready for being on Jeopardy.”

“That. Is. Awesome.  It has always been my ultimate life goal to get on Jeopardy.  No offense Joe, if you have the ability to rattle off the the temperature of lava, you don’t need me.”

“Well, your first day on the job, when we asked you what you liked to do in your spare time, you said TV.  Most people would lie and say that they liked to read but you announced with no shame that you liked to watch TV.  I need someone who likes to watch TV.”

“Well, I’m your girl.”

#39, #40 and #41 Music, Words, and memories.

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#39 If each decade of your life was represented by a pop song, what would they be?

1970’s They Long to Be (Close to You) by the Carpenters.  I remember my Mom singing this to me when I was a little kid.  “On the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true.”

1980’s Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen The first album I bought at the Ben Franklin in Buffalo was Born in the USA.  Dancing in the dark was my favorite song on the album.

1990’s It’s the End of the World as We Know it (and I feel fine) by R.E.M this song was not written in the 1990’s but I can guarantee that it was and still is my anthem.

2000’s  New Year’s Day by U2.  This song was absolutely not from the 2000’s but this song changed my life.  During the summer of 2001 I was looking for a job and I drove to Waconia to turn in my resume for a social studies opening they had.  When I got to the office they told me that the position had already been filled.  I made it out to my car before I burst into tears.  When I turned on the radio New Year’s Day was playing and the lyric “I will begin again.”  Hit me.  When I heard this I decided that I needed to make a change.  When I got back to Mankato I called the human resources director for the Northwest Arctic Borough School District and got a job teaching in Alaska.

2010’s– Papa Gene’s Blue’s by the Monkees. Any song sung and written by Michael Nesmith is a gem.  I just love the refrain of “I have no more than I did before but now I have all that I need.”  I kind of feel like I may not be ahead, but I am pretty content with what I have.

#40 Describe each person in your family with just one word.

Dad- Wrestling

Mom- Loving

Eric- Cat

Me- Groovy

Shawn- Legend

Heidi- Fantastic

Alyssa- Awesome

Kyle- Viking

#41 What you would run out of the house with if your house caught on fire.

I have such a difficult time letting go of things.  I save almost everything because so many things seem special to me.  For ten years I had a storage locker that was kind of like an albatross around my neck.  One time when I was driving with my mom we passed a storage locker unit that had burned down and I joked that those people were “living the dream.” But it is pretty terrible to think that a fire would be a blessing.  If my house were on fire, I would grab the year round Christmas tree.  It is a small tree so I’d be able to hold on to it, and it is covered with squirrel ornaments.  The top of the tree has a quilted heart that my Grandma Johnson gave me, I would be very sad if that was gone.  So, I would grab the tree.  I’m sure the fire fighters would be very confused by this.

#37 & #38 One week to live.

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#37 If you had one week to live.
In a very mild form, I have experienced having one week to live.  When I lived in Alaska, I would get to spend Christmas and summer vacation in Minnesota.  Believe me,  I fit a lot of living into those chunks of time.  That is not to say that living in Alaska was bad.  It was a totally awesome!  But, when you lived in a village above the Arctic Circle there were many things that you couldn’t do.  You couldn’t go to the mall, you couldn’t go to a movie theater, when you went to the grocery store there wasn’t an unlimited selection of the things you wanted.  You were surrounded by a gorgeous paradise but you couldn’t go through the McDonalds drive through and order a Coke.  (Seriously, there is something so pure, good and wonderful about a coke from McDonalds.)  Therefore, the week before I headed back to Alaska I had a set of things that I had to do.  I would see as many movies as I could.  When people would ask to spend time with me I would suggest we go to a movie.  I remember one Christmas break where I managed to see ten movies.  I would also try to hit a few of my favorite restaurants.   I would make sure to go to House of Lo and have the best Chinese food  in the world and to Brooks to have one of their amazing omelets.  I also went high brow.  My friends Shawn and Sue would go with me to a fancy restaurant.  One year, we went to Oceanaire to get seafood.  (This was before I developed my shellfish allergy.) I decided that I was going to go all out and order the Maine lobster.  By the end of the meal, I had managed to spend about $100 and left the restaurant feeling like I had gone out with a bang.  It was raining as we left the restaurant running to the parking garage.  As we were walking to the car, Shawn or Sue said something funny and I lifted my head howling with an open mouthed laugh.  Wouldn’t you know it that was the exact moment a bead of water dropped from the ceiling of the parking garage into my mouth!!!!  I remember screaming and wanting to throw up but….. I had just eaten $100 of seafood!  I couldn’t throw up.  I wanted to but I didn’t.  True Story.

Even though I’m experienced at living like there were no next week, if there truly wasn’t a next week there would be a temptation to run off to Hawaii or Australia.  But, I would want to surround myself with my family and my friends.  I’d want to sit around and talk and laugh.  I’d want to make one last drive down to the farm in Iowa where my mom grew up.  I’d want to climb up into the grain bin and look out on the pasture.  I’d want to lay in the bed in guest room underneath one of the quilts that was made by my Grandma.  I’d want to hold and hug and kiss my nephews and my niece.  I’d want to talk to my Godchildren about keeping their faith alive.  I’d want to sit and answer a thousand questions from my dad.  I wouldn’t even get annoyed.  I would be sad because I was leaving all these awesome people behind but I would be happy knowing that I was headed to the BEST place.

#38  The next blockbuster medicine that will be invented and what will happen as a result.
Doctor’s will develop a shot that will cure autism.  But, many people who do not believe in vaccines will be wary of taking the cure.  Activists will clamor that there is no need for an autism shot.  They will argue that people with autism don’t need to change to fit society’s norms. Some will argue that everyone should be mandated to take this treatment.  Politicians and doctors will debate over who should pay for this treatment and if we should pay for this treatment. Ann Coulter will say something terrible and offend most of the people.  Michael Moore will chime in and offend the people who weren’t offended by Ann Coulter. I will be offended by both of them. The Supreme Court will refuse to take the case.  Been there, done that.  People will read the Dr. Suess book “The Sneeches.”  They will have to decide where they stand on the plain-belly vs. star bellied argument.  People will argue and people will end up doing what they want to do.  Like always.

#34, #35 & #36 It’s the Late Show with David Letterman!

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#34  A cockroach at the Roosevelt.
You might wonder what a guy like me is doing in a place like this.  The swankiest hotel in New York City hosting a cockroach like me.  Well, let’s just say I know a guy.  I know a guy who isn’t very good about spraying the chemicals where they should go.

I gotta admit these rich people know how to live.  Fancy restaurants, fancy beds, mints on the pillow.  Oh, I totally lick those mints on the pillow.  Don’t look at me like that.  You know you would do it if you were in my shoes.  I like to spend my free time looking at magazines down at the pool.  Nothing like sipping on a glass of cucumber water.  It makes you almost feel human.

#35  How you feel about love these days.
I feel optimistic and a little terrified.

#36 The talk-show host.
I love David Letterman.  I think that I was born at just the right time to have been just the right age to really get into his show when he was on late nights on NBC.  In the summer, I would stay up every night to see the show.  I loved that Dave always had funny bits and cool guests.  I loved how he gave people weird gifts.  For some reason he started giving people canned hams, moist towlettes, and collapsable drinking cups.  I remember going and buying a collapsable drinking cup so I could fill it with a “tasty beverage.”

When Dave switched over to CBS he was doing really well in the ratings.  It was so much fun to see him getting so much attention.  One spring they did a contest where they flew in an entire audience from a city.  One of the cities they chose was Minneapolis.  I sent in 200 postcards hoping to win one of the slots.  I did not.  I was totally bummed.

In 2002, I went and visited New York.  Before I went I tried everything to try and order tickets to see a taping of the Late Show.  No dice.  My friend Barbara even wrote in with a top ten list telling them reasons why I deserved tickets.  Again, no dice.  When we were in New York, I decided that I needed to at least get a picture of the marquee of the Ed Sullivan Theater.  While I was taking pictures, a person with a clipboard came over and started talking to me and asked me some questions about the Late Show.  She asked me who the stage manager was and I rolled my eyes and said, “Biff Henderson, duh.”  That was enough to grant me superfan status and I was given tickets to the taping!  I was so excited, I found a pay phone and called everyone I knew telling them to tape Friday’s show in case I could be spotted in the audience.  (I couldn’t.)  Going to the taping was super fun.  It was a well oiled machine.  You had to line up and listen to all sorts of requirements.  Don’t yell if they mention your hometown, don’t whistle, don’t do the Arsenio Hall dog pound yell. (Apparently, it messed with the microphones.) They also told you that you had to make sure that you 100% didn’t have to go to the bathroom because once you got in there for taping you couldn’t leave. They asked the bathroom question more times than would be necessary for a group of potty training two year olds.  Before the show, they had a warm up comedian to get you pumped up and then the band came out and got warmed up and then the taping started.  It was over in an hour.  The only breaks they had were the real time breaks that would be there for the commercials.  In his monologue Dave mentioned Minnesota.  I DID NOT woot.  So, if you ever see a tape.  It wasn’t me!  Charles Grodin was the guest.  He was amazingly droll.  Such a fun night.  Now that Dave is retiring, I will treasure that memory even more.