#17  You are looking down through the skylight as chefs prepare dinner for your ex-fiance’s wedding.

Salmon?  I can’t believe that they are going to have salmon.  I would never, ever, make people eat salmon.  I am not a monster!  But, this woman obviously is.  Oh, wait.  Who is the one sitting in the rain, stalking their ex-fiance?  O.K. I am the monster.

#18  Put two people who hate each other in an elevator for 12 hours.  What happens?

I can’t believe that she didn’t take the next elevator!  Ugh…. you would think that when your divorce has just been finalized you would not want to ride in the same elevator as you ex-husband.  Why is she smiling at me?  “Ruth, why are you smiling at me?”

“Well, Phil, I just got my life back.  I don’t ever have to look at you again, and I got the dog. You’d be smiling too.” Ruth purred.

“I hope you and Fifi are happy.  I was never much of a lap dog kind of guy, I think I’ll live.” Phil stated.

Clank….

“What was that?  why did we stop moving?” Ruth shrieked.

“Great.  Just great. You couldn’t make this crap up!”  Phil said as he reached for the emergency phone.

“What are they saying?”  Ruth yelled.

“Ruth, stop screaming in my ear!  They said that they are going to get us out of here as soon as they can.  Just cool your jets.”

“I think that is reason 548 that I am divorcing you.  I hate it when you tell me to cool my jets.  What does that even mean?”

“It means, that you need to calm down.  It means that you need to stop making a federal case out of everything! It means that you need to just stop talking.”

“Fine.  You won’t hear another word out of me.”

“Fine.”

I decided that this was my opportunity to get some much needed rest.  First, I sat down and then after an hour or so I decided to lay down.  Ruth just stood there playing with her smart phone.  Typical.

Eleven hours later, the phone rang.  I woke with a start and looked at my watch.  Ruth was sitting with her back to the opposite wall.  She reached for the phone before I could grab it.  She started yelling at the person on the opposite end.  Saying that she was going to own this elevator company and finally that she really had to pee.

I couldn’t help but chuckle.  I had to pee too.

“Ruth, are you o.k.?”

“What do you care?”

“Ruth, we may be divorced but you are a human being.  It is socially acceptable to ask if you are o.k.”

Ruth rolled her eyes. “Did you know you talk in your sleep?”

“No, I didn’t know that.  What was I saying?”

“You were talking about Heather. Figures.”

“Heather was a big part of my life.  I almost married her.”

“Well, maybe you should have.”

“I kind of wish I had. She never would have served salmon at our wedding.”